Abusive language tends to mean using words to offend or embarass another person. I think the most triggering abuse of language is the kind that abuses language itself.
Additional contributions to the folowing came from the following gentlemen and ladies: CozyBroz, Maxaroth, psydbernz
Signature of a
medieval illterate.
Correct but Still Wrong
Certain words sound like they were coined by Chuckie Finster or another stuffy toddler.
- Adsorb
- Affidavit
- Attestation
- Compactification
- Consultation
- Debit
- Impactful
- Infarction
- Juneteenth
- Refurbish
Vanishing Literacy
It's awful to hear these words spoken.
- Across-t
- Ath-el-ete
- Bless-ed
- Chromizone
- Do your own research
- Drownded
- For all intensive purposes
- Irregardless
- I tell it like it is
- Liebarry
- Salviate
- Strand of disease/weed
- Supposably
- This last week
- This next year
- What had happened was
- Whole nother
Meaningless Platitudes
Ever say "bless you" after somebody sneezes but you didn't mean it? You do this for death, too.
- Thoughts and prayers
- Everything happens for a reason
- It is what it is
- I'm here if you need anything
- I'm sorry for your loss
- Life isn't fair
- My heart <goes anywhere/does anything>
- Nothing's free
- There are camels on the horizon
- This too shall pass
- We should hang out
- We wish them well
- Weak men make hard times (everybody but you, right?)
Unlawful Marriage
Far too many everyday people are forgetting to press spacebar every day.
- Every day < > Everyday
- A lot < > Alot
- A while < > Awhile
- All right < > Alright
- All together < > Altogether
- Any time < > Anytime
- Never mind < > Nevermind
- Some time < > Sometime
Mathblind
A college education is no match for math illiteracy. Allow me to mansplain:
- Use amount when referring to an abstract quantity. This costs a large amount of money.
- Use number of when referring to discernible items. This costs a large number of dollars.
- Exponentially pertains to a specific kind of mathematical evolution.
Vest Virginia Specials
There are pockets of the U.S. that have never seen the light of day. While some regions are all-too-easy to pick on, let us turn attention to "Appalachian English":
- Affirmative use of anymore. Example: I ran over my dog and he's dead anymore.
- Residenter = one who lives there
Troll Words
If you think all words mean what they mean, you're probably an Apple user. Others sound dirty for accidental reasons.
- Dongle
- Angina
- Jaculate
- Masticate
- Penal
- Pianist
- Splurge
Media Propaganda
A wise person once said "language was invented so we can lie". Let's fix a few...
- A man from... = refusal to say Islamic terrorist
- Assault rifle = any gun
- Boston Strong = buy merch
- Build Back Better = MAGA
Climate change = see Climate emergency
- Climate emergency = oxymoron
Coming ice age = see Global warming
- Experts say = here comes bullshit
Global warming = see Climate change
- Great Reset = communism
- Group of teens = violent minority youth
- Hope and Change = communism
- Hero = took their boosters
- In these unprecedented times = while we implement communism
- Insurrectionist = tourist
- Jobs Americans don't want = open borders
- Knockout game = suckerpunching whites and asians
- Safe and effective = death incoming
Scientists say = see Experts say
- See something, say something = call cops on children
- Trust the science = death incoming
- Vaccine passport = papers please
- White privilege = anyone not a minority
Corporate Jargon
Some language is specifically meant to make you an object and your boss a saint.
- Above my paygrade = i don't care
- Circle back = forget this conversation
- Core competencies = does the candidate know Excel?
- Downsizing = you're fired
- Onboarding = you're hired
- Human resources = you're a primordial building material
- Rightsizing = you're fired
- We're like a family = meet your new dad
Woke Language
I won't even get into the pronouns, they gave us plenty of terrible words to pick on. First on the list is the most petty, ill-adapted word, you'd never guess what it meant until a woke person educated you. Stay away from this derogatory heterophobic slur and anything under it:
- Cisgender
- Ableism
- Believe all women
- Born this way
- Cultural appropriation
- Diversity, Equity, Inclusion = neoracism
- Fat pride
- Fat shame
- Fursona
- Mansplain
- Manspread
- My body, my choice = lol, aged like milk
- #MeToo
- Microaggressions
- Neurodivergent
- Partner = refusal to say boyfriend/girlfriend
- Patriarchy
- <anything>-phobia
- PTSD = don't feed me this unless you've been to war
- Safe space
- Speak your truth = tell your lie
- Support animal
- Toxic <thing>
- Triggered
- War on women = championed by Lia Thomas
The New Age
New Agers have a way of believing the most ridiculous things while stealing the most precise words to express themselves. A match made in hell. These people should be making up new terms, because the following definitions are already taken:
- Force = Time derivative of the momentum vector.
- Energy = Integral of force parallel to displacement. Measured in joules, where [J] = [kilogram]*[meter^2]/[second^2].
- Crystal Energy = Crystals support lattice vibrations somewhat like metals. This energy dissipates in the form of sound and heat, much as a stone would do. (See the well-known piezoelectric effect for more on crystals and energy.)
- Density = Quantity (of mass) per unit volume (often cubic). There is no such thing as second density, third density, etc.
- Magnetic Energy = Volume integral of the magnetic field component that is parallel to the magnetization field. Measured in joules.
- Relativistic = Moving at speeds comparable to the speed of light.
- Retrograde = The apparent backward-movement of an object that arises from relative motion of the observer. (It's an illusion.)
- Vibrations = Oscillatory motion of a physical system or field. Measurable only in meters, seconds, or other fundamental quantity.
- Vortex = A mass of whirling fluid, like flushing a toilet. (That's it.)
- "Defies the laws of physics" = This phrase is almost never valid. It's too bold a claim to make without knowing the laws in the first place.
Verbing
Nouns are becoming verbs for no reason.
- Accessing
- Adulting
- Gifting
- Guesting
- Shaming = fatshame, bodyshame, whatever-shame
- Summering = elitist vacation
- Vacationing = peasant vacation
Millennial Bitchisms
Sorry ladies, most of these are because of you.
- Live, Laugh, Love = but you don't
- Bingewatching = this is why you're fat
- Cheat day = this is why you're fat
- Explain like I'm 5 = you're stupid
- Fake it til you make it = you're half right
- He's a great guy = he's trash
- Humblebrag = that goblin shit you do on Linkedin
- I was today years old = you're stupid
- Multitasking = you can't do this
- I met someone = new f*ckboi
- I'm seeing someone = regular f*ckboi, this is why you're fat
- I'm talking to this guy = secret f*ckboi
- Netflix n' chill = this is why you're fat
- Ready to settle down = happy 40th
- Red flag = see "He's a great guy"
- Said no one ever = never be original
- Sorry not sorry = this is why you're immature
- Spiritual but not religious (born after 1998) = astrology
- Spiritual but not religious (born before 1998) = lower back tattoo, alcoholism
- The struggle is real = on your 4th unpaid internship
Gen-Z Abbreviations
There are far too many dozens of these.
- af
- based (i learned to take this as a compliment)
- bestie
- bet
bruh = see "cuh"
- clapback
- cuh = replacing "bruh"
- dab
- drip
- fire (as adjective)
- lit
- rizz = root sound of "charisma"
- sussy
Things Men Must Never Say
I stop taking people seriously upon hearing hear any of these. Most pertain to the body or its function.
- Belly = say "stomach", "guts", "insides", or "entrails"
- Bum = you better mean hobo
- Bumbum = you better mean two hobos
- I'm a fan of <anything> = don't be a cuck
- Female = say "woman" you incel
- Fingies = don't reinforce how your nephew says "fingers"
- Piggytoe = abbreviate to "Toe"
- Pinky = you have no need to talk about this
- Potty = no
- Tinkles = too charming a word for piss
- Toe = say "foot" unless talking to a doctor
- Tummy = see "Belly"
- Do not use ANY scientifically-literate word for a female body part. You MUST use slang.
Confused Couples
Meaning and spelling perish with clutched hands. The following terms need rescuing from many of you:
- Accept = take
- Except = all but this
- Flea = on your dog
- Flee = run away
- Difference = not the same
- Differential = dissimilar rates
- Hear = sound
- Here = place
- Imply = potential
- Infer = derived conclusion
- Its = it is
- It's = ownership
- Hour = 60 minutes
- Our = ownership
- Passed = object is now behind you
- Past = not the future
- Plain = regular, vanilla
- Plane = flat surface, airplane
- Receptacle = container
- Receptible = can be deceived
- Shore = water
- Sure = right
- Silocon = nonmetallic element
- Silocone = fake body parts
- Tenant = occupier
- Tenet = a belief
- Their = belonging to a group
- There = not here
- They're = they are
- To = where you're going
- Too = also
- Two = 2
- You're = you are
- Your = ownership
Closing Remarks
The following word did absolutely nothing wrong: